Being alone is hard. Being alone in a different country is even harder.I've been reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed over the last few days. She writes about her journey of becoming a through-hiker on the Pacific Crest Trail, with no backpacking experience, in the wake of her mother's death, and her divorce from a man she still loved. Her journey was difficult, lonely at times, full of reflection that was sometimes welcome and others not. In reading her experiences, I've been reflecting on my own while I've been here in Chile. Studying abroad is not through-hiking, I have a bed to sleep in, a bathroom with running water, plenty of food to eat; but the two do share similarities.
Coming to Chile, I knew no one. I felt insurmountable amounts of fear and anxiety leading up to my departure in February. All I've ever known is the United States, southern food, and the English language. My Spanish was, and sometimes still is, laughable, but worse than anything else, I was about to be truly alone for the first time. I tried to push phrases like that out of my mind because dwelling on a lofty statement like that could only lead to me refunding my plane ticket, abandoning my Spanish major, and hiding in my parent's house until I turned 40 (at least). But instead of dwelling, I did what I needed to with some procrastination and periodic reluctance. I applied for a passport, then a visa, then I interviewed for said visa, and received it. I bought a plane ticket, then a new suitcase, stuffed it with only things that I loved. I kissed my mother goodbye as she cried in Tyson McGhee airport, trying not to cry myself, and hopped on a plane to cross the ocean into an entirely new and foreign world that would become my home for the next five months.
That's scary. It still is. It always will be. But at some point, we have to find peace in who we are and where we are.
Cheryl wrote the most beautiful quote about fear, she said "fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." I wish I had read this during my first week in Chile, rather than one of my last, but I do think, in different words, I found a similar peace during my time here. I am safe. I am strong. I am brave.
I will not be vanquished.